Who am I?
by CleverforClever
Summary: An amnesiac finds himself in the middle of the war between Hydra and S.H.I.E.L.D. As paranoia and suspicion take him over, the question remains whether or not this 'Ward' guy everyone says he is happens to be Hydra or S.H.I.E.L.D.- or both. Read and review, get a chapter.
1. Chapter 1

A Fresh Start

"A Fresh Start?" Laughed Special Agent Grant Ward comically, "You must be insane!"

The agent outside his cell smiled, "What do you have to lose?"

Two Hydra agents stuck under an abandoned bus stop. There was no way they were just walking away from this encounter.

"Why, Jerry?" Asked Ward.

"Because we're friends," Grant laughed, but his companion insisted, "You know why I joined Hydra? To belong to something, someone. And unfortunately, the job requires us to lose a lot of someones we care about. And you're my last. I'll clean out your brain, and send you on your way."

Grant laughed, "How is this a favor?"

"Let me ask you a question," replied Jerry, "Is there anything you can do to change yourself? I mean, really; what kind of person would you be if you were anyone? The fact is, the way you see life is the way you'll always see life; full of death and destruction," He gave his friend another smile, "But I can remove you from the game."

Grant sat and thought for a moment, "...and Skye?"

"We both know she'll never forgive you for this," Said Jerry, "Now... do we have a deal?"

Ward thought for a moment. It was either this, or sit in a S.H.I.E.L.D. prison for the rest of his life, "Okay... deal," They shook hands, "I have one question for you; how'd you find me?"

Jerry shook his head, "I just need you to sign on the dotted line..."

(...)

"Did he take it?"

Jerry nodded his head, "Oh yeah."

"Good," Phil Coulson stared into the room as Grant howled in pain, "How long until he starts homing in on Hydra?"

"The subconscious is a mysterious thing- you should know that better than anyone," Jerry took a stick of gum out of his pocket, "...you're sure he'll do it?"

"I did," Said Coulson, "Ward will last, maybe, a month before he starts to notice there's more to life than what he was told. After that, he'll seek out Hydra, and they'll be forced to drag him in. Ever see Total Recall?"

"Unfortunately yes," Jerry said bitterly, "I can't believe Arnold did a better job than-"

"Not the point," Said Coulson, "He'll," He pointed to Ward, "Look for answers. It's what we do?"

"We?"

The director looked on in sadness, "Victims."

"You got his consent..."

"...yes, but Hydra or S.H.I.E.L.D., you cannot argue what we're doing to him is right."

Jerry nodded, "...he's evil!"

"And we're not?"

Inside, Special Agent Grant Ward became Gary Wilds. For the time being anyway.


	2. Chapter 2

"Hi, this is Gary Wilds with a great offer for you, am I speaking to the head of the house?"

A series of cuss words followed by the sound of a phone slamming down are heard over the line. The young man sighed and took off his head-set. This was, by far, the worst job he'd ever had. Why did he major in Communications in college? Looking back on it, he realized that it really meant nothing.

"Hey, Gary," Said his unusually friendly co-worker, "I have a question about call logs."

Gary Wilds was a completely regular guy; like sports, hated taxes. He thought most politicians were bad, but not the ones he voted for. The only child of two diseased parents, Wilds was a regular, regular guy. Bizarre normal really.

Usually.

"Remember; we work in a sequence; you should rely more on computer information. The manual override is just there in case the network experiences any issues."

His companion gave him a smile, "Great!"

Gary shook his head. Turning back to his computer, he realized it was frozen. Letting out a mild cuss, the telemarketer rolled back and headed towards his boss' office. He knocked on the door and waited, knowing his boss was doing nothing but sitting in there experiencing a power trip.

"...enter."

Gary entered, "I need you to unlock my computer."

His boss, James, sighed loudly, "Gary... we need to talk about... efficiency."

The manager gestured to a seat. His employee almost had an aneurysm trying to suppress a sigh. Not this talk again.

"Now, Gary, do you understand why we are so concerned with efficiency?"

"...yes?"

"...really, Gary, really?"

There was just something about his tone that got under Wild's skin. It was like having nails got driven in sideways across his body- slooooowly.

"Because I'm looking at your report, and it's not saying a lot to me, Gary. It's not saying a whole lot."

Even though he'd only worked for the company for a few months, Wild knew this speech by heart. He knew he had to stay silent. The conversation would keep going and going and going... Wild wished his mind would wander, _could_ wander.

But it never did.

He was always tense, hyper-aware. He could smell, taste, **feel** more than he ever wanted to.

"Do you have anything to say about why you aren't making more sales, Gary?"

Gary Wilds glared at the contemptuous man. He felt his blood boiling. Frustration crept in. He hated being controlled. Hated being stuck in an office that kept him from the mission. He needed to be out there- _making a difference!_

Gary shook his head. Inside that head, Grant Ward seethed, "Just that I need to get back."

He made the mistake of rising and going to go out the door. Immediately, James was right behind him, grabbing his shoulder. Grant Ward immediately reacted, filling Gary's head with violence and anger. The millisecond that hand closed on his shoulder, Wild felt his world explode; pain, and anger mixed with fear and excitement. The sound of breaking bones, and the dull roar of blood filled his ears.

...Gary let out a breath, '...yes?"

"I haven't dismissed you yet," Snapped James. Gary waited, "Okay, you're dismissed."

Grant immediately relaxed as the hand disappeared, but the rush of adrenaline stayed. The second he reached his cubicle, Gary Wild held his head in his hands...

_What was that about?!_

Okay... so _some_ things about him were bizarre. He occasionally had these... breakdowns. But it was nothing a little workout and core-breathing couldn't solve.

Gary Wilds had several serious anxieties, most of which he ought to see a doctor for; fear of drowning, small spaces, of being attacked on the street. A fear of losing someone close to him. A fear of people getting to know him. Many, many, many fears. All of them were irrational. Right?

Right?

...right?

...

...

...

"Right," Said Agent Phil Coulson into the phone, "I need him outside- now Jerry."

The man on the other end of the phone complained. Phil sighed, "Yeah, I know. But we need to prompt him into finding the rest of Hydra. And then we make our move, okay?"

"Okay," Agreed Jerry, "But I cannot guarantee you that Grant Ward is still in there."

"He is," Said Coulson worriedly, "Believe me; he is."


	3. Chapter 3

"Gary Wilds" aka Special Agent Grant Ward sat at the bar, alone. He was completely unaware that he was being monitored by a half dozen different cameras and two special agents.

"How's the game going?" Asked one.

Wilds turned to find his co-worker Jerry asking him a question, "...uh, fine, I guess," He laughed uncomfortably.

"Not a sports guy?"

Wilds shrugged, "I just... want to do something more than I want to watch it," He held his hands up in a claw-like motion, "Watching it on tv is just... dull."

Jerry sent him a nervous smile. A loud impact was heard on the screen as two players collided. Ward recognized that his friend was nervous, but had no idea why. Nor did he know how he knew his friend was nervous.

"What are you up to this weekend?"

Wilds shrugged, "Stay home. Work out I guess."

Jerry laughed, "Your life must be deathly boring, Gary!"

Ward's eyes go vacant. Jerry's comm goes active as Director Coulson cuts in, "He's going into a repressed memory! What's prompting it?!"

Looking up at the screen, Jerry finds Senator Christian Ward talking to a group of soldiers about the battle to bring down S.H.E.I.L.D. The senator was kind, endearing, and honest. He spoke about how his heart was to protect children the world over from threats, and how the threat of S.H.I.E.L.D. was soon to be past.

The expression on Ward's face was pure hatred. He threw his beer bottle at the television, smashing it. Several large drunk men rose angrily.

"Hey! We were watching the game!"

Ward turned a look of pure fury on his face, "...Life is **full** of disappointments!"

"Jerry!" Yelled Phil, "Get him out of there!"

The agent shrugged, "Grant can handle himself."

"Not my point. You want to chance that he won't kill them all?"

The first man walked up to Wilds and spit in his face. He found a fist shoved into his mouth immediately.

Within a minute, Jerry was dragging Gary out the back door. The younger man was mid-fight, taking on two men at once. The barkeep was trying to get the rest of the group calmed down.

"Gary! Gary!" He yelled. His friend kept thrashing, throwing one drunk into a wall where he landed with a sickening _crunch_. The other he full-on beat, kicking and punching until the man was huddled against the wall. Ward the flipped the man with a side-walk slam.

"Yah!" Panting, Gary Wilds looked up at his friend, his entire body on fire. Once the danger was passed, that body reverted to its regular self.

"You okay, man?"

Gary shook his head, "I... I have not been sleeping well. I see... _things_. Things I don't want to see. Blood, and death," Drunk and rambling, the ex-agent kept talking, "I can't... I can't live like this. I'm so full of anger and violence, I don't even know where it's coming from."

Jerry uncocked his Icer. Ward was just rambling now, "Maybe you ought to just take a week off. Clear your mind, okay?"

Gary nodded, "...okay," He rose to his feet shakily, "Hey Jerry?"

"Hm?"

"You're a good friend."

"Thanks."

The walk to the van was a hard one. Finally, Jerry climbed into the passenger seat and looked at his boss, "Well?"

"Good job," He answered, ear on a police scanner, "Sounds like there were no serious injuries."

"But?"

Phil put down the equipment, "Is what we're doing right?"

Jerry shrugged, "We're just following an Hydra agent."  
"Ex-Hydra."

"I don't remember him resigning anything," Answered Jerry. Noticing that Coulson had something more to say, he prodded, "...what is it, Phil?"

The director tapped the screen linked to Ward's apartment, "Imagine being him. Afraid, powerful, and confused. Ward is a killer- has been for a long, long time. But at least he knew why. Now he's a killer trapped in a regular Joe's life. Sounds like a bad combo."

"Nothing to be done about it," Answered his agent.

"Ward is approaching a void of death and destruction without any escape," Sighed Phil.

"Exactly," Said Jerry, "Now let's give him a push."


	4. Chapter 4

Phil sat in his office watching a re-run of last night's "show". Around the time Ward started screaming for help, he muted it, and put his face in his hands. Enough of this. He had made his choice, and now he would follow through with it.

There was a knock on the door, "...enter."

Agent May. Of course.

"Agent."

"Director."

He nodded, she took that as permission.

"So, are we going to talk about it?"

"Talk about what?" He asked innocently as possible. Her head tilted dangerously. She was not the kind of woman to try and fool with. He could still try.

"What exactly is so hard to understand? Ward escaped custody with the help of a former S.H.I.E.L.D. agent!" He slammed his fist down in what he hoped would be righteous anger, "Blast it! One of our own, can you believe that?!"

She blinked. Once. He swallowed hard. The woman was born with a b.s. detector shoved up her rear-end. She knew he was lying to her.

And what's worse; he didn't want her to be fooled. Someone else had to know. He trusted May; she was family, S.H.I.E.L.D. family. And so was Ward. Someone had to stop him, and only a member of their weird family should be allowed to take him down.

Director Coulson sighed, "...very well. What do you want to know?"

"What's project Bourne Again?" She asked amicably.

"...a Hydra agent with a mind wipe unknowingly leads us to the headquarters. It's all very," His hands shook the air unnervingly, "uh, 'meta' is the word."

Her nostrils flared. It made her look somewhat more fierce, "...you released him?"

"No! No...! Well... Yes. But not exactly," He held up a finger, "Ward is out there, but he doesn't know he's Ward."

Agent Melinda May turned and walked out of the office.

"May, wait," She turned. He caught up with her, "I'm sorry. I know I shouldn't have done this..."

She shot him a whithering look, "Oh, I don't care. If this defeats Hydra, I can live with that. But you did something I do not agree with; you let something like him live. He's a heartless killer, and I need to stop him before he hurts anyone else."

And with that, she vanished. Phil sighed. Great. She'd find Ward and give him the push. But was that the right move?


	5. Chapter 5

'Gary Wilds' found himself waking up every morning at the same time. The exact same time. Every morning. It was like an internal clock was running.

After two hours of calisthenics, he checked his apartment for changes. It was his OCD. All his curtains had to be shut, every window locked, and nothing could be moved or misplaced. He knew he was just being paranoid, but what was the harm?

The ride to work was harder. He felt like the Asian woman who worked at the Flower Power Florist, a business next door to his, was watching him. He could never shake that feeling though.

Still, once he was in his cubicle, minding his own business, Gary could find his magical place. In that zone, he no longer felt like a caged monster, like the whole world was out to get him. Which was silly, really. The man was just in telecommunications. He had no reason to fear.

"Hello, I'm calling about an exciting offer just for you. Am I speaking to the head of the house?"

"I like Barney."

Gary closed his eyes in frustration. The girl on the other end of the line was, maybe, six.

"…oh yeah? Me too."

"Me 'n' Mommy used to sing the song to each other," She then started singing to him, "I love you, you love me, we're a happy family-"

"Oh! Is your mommy there? Can I talk to her?"

"My mommy is gone," Said the little girl.

"What's your mommy's name? I'd like to leave her a message."

"Um… Vikki Hand."

Gary's heart plummeted.

_Bang. Blood. Bang. Blood. Shock. Fear, blood, bang, bang-_

"…mommy's not coming back," Said the little girl.

No. NO. NO!

"I'm sorry."

The line went dead. Gary didn't even remember pressing 'end'. His heart was beating too fast. Like it hurt to think. That poor little girl had lost her mom.

…wait. She never said her mother was _dead_. Right? But in his heart, Grant Ward knew she was never coming back.

He slammed his fist into his desk.

"Damn!"

He had to get out of here, _now_.

"Hey, Gary, can you-"

"Nope!" He yelled pushing past his awkward co-worker. Wilds' heart beat faster and faster and faster.

_Got to get to the elevator. From there, I can get out… and finally be free. I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I can't breathe!_

Finally, he reached the elevator. He pushed the button, and tried his best to wait. No dice. He pressed it again, and again. And again, and again, and again…

His finger mashed the down button over and over and over until the door **dinged** open. He ran inside, punched the bottom floor button and let out a tense breath.

Finally.

The door slid shut too slowly.

_Breathe._

_Breathe._

_Breathe._

A hand slid into the door.

_Damn._

"Gary, may I see you in my office?" Commanded James.

"…yes sir."

Wilds practically beat himself over the head. Why did he have to obey _every_ order he was given?

Taking one last longing look at the glowing lobby button, Gary exited the elevator. He walked past the rows of cubicles filled with people desperately trying their best to watch the office drama and look busy at the same time. Being judged was… hard on him. He wanted people to like him, for whatever reason.

"Gary, we need to have a talk about efficiency," James smirked.

"…no, we don't," Gary laughed nervously, "I… need to talk to a psychiatrist," He leaned forward, nervously whispering, "I'm… thinking things I shouldn't."

His boss ignored him, "Can you tell me why you hung up the phone after speaking for twenty seconds?"

"I was talking to a small child!" Ward was beginning to emerge, an awkward mix of Gary's nervous qualities made him grab the chair in frustration. His hands shook desiring a neck to throttle.

"Get the credit card information!" exclaimed James, "It's too hard to cancel our services! The parents will blame the kid, and we can finally put on in the 'win' column around here!"

"Maybe if we weren't selling bogus diet pills people would buy our product!" Exploded Gary, spittle flying from his mouth.

Silence shrouded the area. Gary felt his heart leaping within his chest as he tried to calm himself. This was insanity; pure insanity. How could he be expected to sell garbage?!

"We sell a high-end proactive life product," Said James angrily, "It's not a diet pill."

Wilds slammed his fist down, "I… have to-" He clutched his head, doubling over.

"Please tell me you haven't been sampling the product!"

A.N. Write a review, get a chapter.


	6. Chapter 6

Agent Melinda May grit her teeth in frustration. Coulson had acted without her consent. Which bothered her for some reason.  
Odd.

It didn't matter though. Ward would be put down like the animal he was. The task of finding the rouge agent was daunting. She could not exactly ask for his location. Instead the supervising officer went to Skye and asked if there were any unusual online cues that agents were concentrated on a clueless target. Coulson had to keep an eye on Ward somehow.

There were, it turns out, a few too many to investigate. It was not until she figured out that if Ward had no idea who he was, he was probably the one looking for answers. Also, present situation aside, Director Coulson was no fool; he knew this was a small op, calling for an agent or two with minimal direct contact. He also had to keep his target confined to an area that, if something went wrong, someone could put Ward down.

"I have no idea what I'm looking for," Said Skye. May didn't respond. Telling her trainee about Ward would be… bad. "Soooo…. If you want to give me a hint…?"

"No," Responded May.

"Okay," Skye's eyebrows bobbed in annoyance, "Any word on…?"

May ignored her.

"You're kind of in a sour mood," said a grumpy Skye, "Don't you know an S.O. should share information?"

May paused and looked down, "I'm going out."

Skye watched the older woman leave with more than a twinge of frustration. The last few weeks had been trying. Firstly, S.H.I.E.L.D. was underground, which meant they had to stick to the shadows. As a hacker, she was comfortable with that. Secondly, Coulson was on edge all the time. Having been bounced from foster home to foster home, she could deal with that as well.

But then there was Ward.

The monster, the psychopath, the ex-boyfriend, "I broke up with him, right?" She asked herself. No one knew where he was, or at least no one was willing to tell her. It almost felt like he was free all over again.

"Skye?"

The young hacker went on alert as May called out her name at the hanger door.

"I might need you soon. Stay available."

Skye nodded a yes and watched her mentor leave.

May was unhappy with the current situation. Nobody but her stood a chance against Ward. He was, without a doubt in her mind, one of the best killers out there. The only person she knew who understood the man better than her was…

May let out a huff of anger. Pressing the comm, she contacted Jerry's personal communication device, "We need to talk…" She growled out ominously.


	7. Chapter 7

Ward couldn't move, speak, or breathe. His entire body was fighting against him.

"No… no… noooo!" He shook on the gurney.

"Whatever it is, it's likely neural," answered an Emergency Medical Technician, "He's having a seizure!"

Grant's eyes rolled back into his head, flashes of violence, death, and men hailing Hydra filled his ears. It was a nightmare. They lifted him, stiff as a board, and placed him on a cart.

"We have a thirty year-old male. Unresponsive."

Doctors flooded the hall.

"Pupils are… somewhat responsive. He seems to be saying something. Gary, can you hear us?"

Bang. Bang. Bang.

"HELP!" He called. But his lips barely made a sound, "help me! I don't know what's happening to me!"

They wheeled him into a quiet room. There was a bustle of activity going on around him. Poking needles, prodding equipment and cold hands all searched for an answer to this mystery illness.

"Does anybody have contact information on this guy?"

Various helpless workers checked him up and down, took blood, his pulse, and did a fantastic job of proving that they had no idea what was happening to him. Gary just laid there, seizing up, trying to figure out when he'd left his office of employment and travelled to the hospital.

The world around him turned to bleeps and hums as the medical professionals did their best to best to stabilize him. The one thing that bothered him was the fact that no one would come for him. If he died, right now in this room, no one would care.

_I'll never see the sky again._

This bothered him for reasons he did not understand. It wasn't just loneliness he was feeling, it was the fact that he was going to die, alone in this room. His life didn't matter. The whole world out there was filled with people who loved one another. But not him. Never him.

Why was he always alone? He lived alone, worked by himself, never really made any friends whatsoever. As he thought on this, it occurred to him he couldn't even _remember _the last friend he'd made!

So why did it matter that much if he died or not? Who would miss him? He was of no real importance to the world whatsoever.

Slowly, the flow of traffic petered off. Gary was left in a dark room, strapped to a bed. Only one doctor was still checking him over, which left little hope for the amnesiac. The weeks and weeks of pressure had built up, and now he was having a mental breakdown. It was like his mind was at war with itself, one half battling for dominance over the other.

The doctor leaned down, and whispered in his ears, "Hail Hydra."

Ward bolted upright.


End file.
